Ever since getting
back my first paper on spirituality – wherein we were to discuss the history of
our relationship with God – I’ve been fixated on one question: Do I have an ego
problem?
In my paper I
explained that I don’t need to know one way or another if God exists, because
as long as I am in control of my life then it doesn’t make any difference.
In the margin next to this, Fr. Dziak wrote, “This is not a God issue but
perhaps an ego issue. Focusing on yourself and abandoning anything/anyone is
self-focused, self-ish perhaps.”
To read that was
truly upsetting, not because I felt offended, but because I felt he was
absolutely right. I don’t trust anyone to be in charge of something I can take
direct control of.
Group projects?
If it’s a collective grade, then I’m either checking in on everyone or (most
often) doing almost all the work myself. Organizing events? I make clear what I
am responsible for, and that if anything else falls short I cannot be held
accountable. Many of my life goals exist so that I can better control the
variables responsible for my livelihood and happiness. So yes, I admit that I
may have an ego problem.
Of course,
Ignatius also had an ego problem when he was young, to the point of vanity, and
I don’t think I’m vain…I don’t think.
Even after his convalescence, he largely
considered himself as the conduit between Earth and Jesus. His vision at La
Storta told him that he would be a servant to Christ, not he and all his
friends.
Heck, Chris Lowney, author
of our Heroic Leadership text, even
says that those leaders are best who lead themselves. So being self-sufficient
can’t be all bad, right?
Ignatius
preached that we should pray as though everything depends on God, and work as
though everything depends on us. But how does one achieve that? How can one
wholeheartedly push oneself to the limit if she or he believes that it’s ultimately
out of her or his hands? I’m sure you’ve all been in a relationship where the
love grew increasingly one-sided. It’s just not the same, going through the
motions without any heart.
To paraphrase
one of my peers, egoism is implicitly bad but inherently neutral. At least,
that’s my opinion. And there we return to the problem! It’s my phenomenology
class all over again. We can only really know what we know – unless you’re a skeptic, in which case you don’t even
know that much.
Who can say that
I have an ego problem unless I think I have an ego problem? And if I do think I
have an ego problem, then what if I actually don’t, but my ego won’t let me
believe it?
Maybe I’m
overanalyzing this. Actually, I’m pretty sure I’m overanalyzing this (as I am
wont to do), but it bugs me. Like one of those splinters you get from decrepit
wood, the ones that break up into smaller pieces so that even if you can grab
it with forceps, there’s something left behind.
Sorry. I know
this post was a little longwinded (definitely over the 400-word range) and, at
times, nonsensical, but when you’re sitting around with nothing to do (read:
nothing that doesn’t involve drinking, spending money, or both), this kind of
stuff bubbles to the top.
I hope everyone
had a great Mardi Gras/Presidents’ Day. Y’all know what I was doing.
Laissez les Bon
Temps Rouler
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